A small country nestled between the international hotspots of Afghanistan and Turkmenistan, the Republic of Kebabistan does a darn good shawarma.

As we usher in the dawn of the Obama presidency and bid adieu to the Bush decades – it was decades wasn’t it – the timing feels right to revisit a few of the ex-Pres’ best gaffes. I know it’s been done to death but I’m feeling a pang of nostalgia already and anyway, he started it!

So let’s look at this with a little perspective. For every ten times I cursed his foreign policy, his social policy or his environmental policy, his words provided me with a single, genuine belly-laugh, and that my friends, is a very special gift. For George Dubya Bush was the master of the off-the-cuff fuckup (OTCF), even when dealing in familiar territory.

So the Saying Goes

Remember these wise, wise words and if they moved you, like they moved me, share them with your children:

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.“

Prophetic, no? Well…..no.

International Diplomacy

If poor ol’ George was going to flounder recalling timeless Texan proverbs, then God help him on the International stage.

“Should the Iranian regime — do they have the sovereign right to have civilian nuclear power? So, like, if I were you, that’s what I’d ask me. And the answer is, yes, they do.“

What the fuck was that?

Then this happened:

“The German asparagus are fabulous.“

Breathtaking! Sometimes you astound me George, you follow up that Iranian drivel, with something as prophetic and beguiling as your take on German asparagus. You truly are an enigma.

“Oftentimes people ask me, ‘Why is it that you’re so focused on helping the hungry and diseased in strange parts of the world?’“

Like Germany?

“The problem with the French is that they don’t have a word for entrepreneur”

Strange! Yet uneducated and yokel both appear in the French dictionary.

Inter-Species Diplomacy

But at last we finally had someone in the Oval Office who stood up for the sea kittens:

“I believe human’s and fish can co-exist peacefully“

A President with a fishy vision, or was he:

“I didn’t grow up in the ocean — as a matter of fact — near the ocean — I grew up in the desert. Therefore, it was a pleasant contrast to see the ocean. And I particularly like it when I’m fishing.”

What was all that co-exist peacefully talk?

Dancing

“Yesterday, you made note of my — the lack of my talent when it came to dancing. But nevertheless, I want you to know I danced with joy. And no question Liberia has gone through very difficult times.“

I am sick to death of people linking Liberia and dancing! They are two totally different issues, get over it. Let’s move on!

White House Shenanigans

When we think of hanky panky in the White House, for most of us, kinky Bill “I did not have sexual relations“ Clinton leaps to the fore, but if these following quotes are anything to go by, Dubya and his cohorts got up to all sorts of freaky shit over the years:

“We’re concerned about Aids inside our White House – make no mistake about it“

Needle sharing, unprotected sex, you decide? But I must admit, homeland security was always an area I thought the Bush admin had well under control, until this:

“I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office“

I knew Kim Jong-il and his loyalists were working on some heavy-duty, top-secret shit, but this really takes the biscuit. Hell yeah I’m concerned.

“I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.“

I knew it, I told you Mum, it is stupidity, not merely a case of brilliant subterfuge.

Education

“Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?“

Wanna know why that question are rarely asked?

Families

One day back in February I remember feeling down, deflated even. I’d spent most of the afternoon on the couch, eating cheese and onion crisps off my girlfriend’s back, pondering life, food, family. What really troubled me that day — I can only just talk about it now — was that no-one had ever seriously addressed the issue of where wings take dream. I mean, never really gotten down to the basics. Well….all that was about to change!

“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.“

Of course! It all made sense now. You saved me that day George, you got my life back on track and gave it purpose. And as if to drive your words home you reminded me of the following:

“I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.“

A problem I’d been tackling only minutes earlier. A problem that you helped me put in perspective. I problem, that eventually, you helped me overcome and for that, I’ll always be truly thankful.

The End of an Era

From a satirical perspective, will there ever be another political figure so qualified to provide the public with so many genuine moments of ‘what the fuck‘? I doubt it.

It would remiss of me not to leave the parting words to the man himself and bury the hatchet so to speak.

“I think we agree, the past is over“.

Not much to say after that title, enjoy!

No arguments here!

Maria, don’t look now, but there’s a guy at the bar and I think he likes you.

So today, the BBC have claimed to have uncovered the best job in the world. To quote from the source, “they want someone to work on a tropical island off the Queensland coast. No formal qualifications are needed but candidates must be willing to swim, snorkel, dive and sail. Duties include feeding some of the hundreds of species of fish and collecting the island’s mail.” I could do that. I’m not even scared of fish. You could do that. I’m not sure where you stand on the subject of fish. But I just bet it’ll be some incredibly good looking Marine Biologist with an IQ of 207, a stunning tan, exceptional teeth and an overdeveloped sense of modesty who lands that role. The bitch!

Another job from down under, where satisfaction is guaranteed, is Condom Tester for Durex. No, really! Okay, so the pay is pretty crappy but the perks, oh the perks. Actually there are no perks. You get $60 worth of free condoms for which you have to “provide honest feedback“. Next!

Careercast drop their oar in the water and attempt to churn up a list of the 200 best jobs but damn me if they haven’t gone and placed accountant in the top 10. I’m not saying being an accountant necessarily sucks but I bet if you confidentially surveyed a bunch of them, accountant wouldn’t slot into their top 10. They’d rather be ski instructors or shark testers. I mean let’s face it, I bet there ain’t too many accountants waking up this morning shivering with anticipation about the upcoming bank reconciliation they’ve got to have finished by COB.

In fact, lets take a little closer look at the criteria CareerCast have used in ranking their top 200. I’m of the opinion that their list is a little flawed. Here it is, you decide: stress, work environment, physical demands, income and outlook. Damn me if they haven’t left out the most important criterion of all, enjoyment. Surely enjoyment could slide in there ahead of physical demands? Gotta get into shape, gotta feel the burn, got a balance sheet to prepare!

So back to our friends at the BBC. They’ve obviously snuck enjoyment into their criteria list. Although using CareerCast’s criteria, the Hamilton Island gig would still rank fairly close to the top – up there with software engineer and actuary.

If you’ve got the dinero why not visit Private Islands Online, make your purchase and collect your own mail. I could help?

I’d love to hear your opinion on the perfect job – accountants welcome.

What’s better than a freshly baked croissant for breakfast? A croissant where the pastry is flaky and still warm, the ham is straight off the bone and the cheese is melted to perfection. I can almost taste that bad boy now. Mmmmmm, sounds good huh? But now there’s an oily film on the top of my imaginary latte. But I digress.

Unless you’re spending a night in a swanky hotel, how is it that you can get hold of a piping hot croissant first thing in the morning? I mean, it’s not as if there’s a sort of shop like a butcher shop or a grocer shop that sells bread and bread type products is there. I wish!

And who knows how to make those little bastards from scratch huh? I mean, what’s in a croissant? Is there fish in there? What sort of herbs should you use? Can they be steamed or should they be boiled? Doesn’t boiling kill a lot of the vitamins in a croissant? How do you make them so high? So many questions. Who knows that shit? Am I right? Am I right?

Anyway, back in Helsinki they’ve got the whole issue of home-cooked croissants sussed. Never again will you need to stay in a posh hotel just to get a croissant fix. Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce, croissants in a can (see picture above).

Yes, after years of laboratory testing the good people at Danerolles (that’s Danish for fuck you France) have managed to apply can technology (the very same technology that was applied to little hot dogs in the 70′s) to the humble croissant. And I for one, just couldn’t be happier. Really!

Then have we got the gift for you.

Kendall Crollus and Anne Montgommery have finally put together the book that was just crying out to be penned. Following on from Anne’s incredible success with, Why Vacuum, When you can Lick the House Clean and Kendall’s release from Cliche Acres, comes their long-awaited best-seller.

“It just sort came to me one day,” snorted Anne, fondling a cucumber and kinda looking in two directions at once.

“Now I’ll always be able to smell Pepe Peablewood,” beamed a clearly psychotic Kendall, wearing a beanie that was once, quite obviously, Schnauzer.

Chapters include, “Mexican chic – the Poodle poncho” and “Getting the shit off your Shepard – elderly Alsatian hair preparation“.