So let’s look at this with a little perspective. For every ten times I cursed his foreign policy, his social policy or his environmental policy, his words provided me with a single, genuine belly-laugh, and that my friends, is a very special gift. For George Dubya Bush was the master of the off-the-cuff fuckup (OTCF), even when dealing in familiar territory.

So the Saying Goes

Remember these wise, wise words and if they moved you, like they moved me, share them with your children:

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.“

Prophetic, no? Well…..no.

International Diplomacy

If poor ol’ George was going to flounder recalling timeless Texan proverbs, then God help him on the International stage.

“Should the Iranian regime — do they have the sovereign right to have civilian nuclear power? So, like, if I were you, that’s what I’d ask me. And the answer is, yes, they do.“

What the fuck was that?

Then this happened:

“The German asparagus are fabulous.“

Breathtaking! Sometimes you astound me George, you follow up that Iranian drivel, with something as prophetic and beguiling as your take on German asparagus. You truly are an enigma.

“Oftentimes people ask me, ‘Why is it that you’re so focused on helping the hungry and diseased in strange parts of the world?’“

Like Germany?

“The problem with the French is that they don’t have a word for entrepreneur”

Strange! Yet uneducated and yokel both appear in the French dictionary.

Inter-Species Diplomacy

But at last we finally had someone in the Oval Office who stood up for the sea kittens:

“I believe human’s and fish can co-exist peacefully“

A President with a fishy vision, or was he:

“I didn’t grow up in the ocean — as a matter of fact — near the ocean — I grew up in the desert. Therefore, it was a pleasant contrast to see the ocean. And I particularly like it when I’m fishing.”

What was all that co-exist peacefully talk?

Dancing

“Yesterday, you made note of my — the lack of my talent when it came to dancing. But nevertheless, I want you to know I danced with joy. And no question Liberia has gone through very difficult times.“

I am sick to death of people linking Liberia and dancing! They are two totally different issues, get over it. Let’s move on!

White House Shenanigans

When we think of hanky panky in the White House, for most of us, kinky Bill “I did not have sexual relations“ Clinton leaps to the fore, but if these following quotes are anything to go by, Dubya and his cohorts got up to all sorts of freaky shit over the years:

“We’re concerned about Aids inside our White House – make no mistake about it“

Needle sharing, unprotected sex, you decide? But I must admit, homeland security was always an area I thought the Bush admin had well under control, until this:

“I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office“

I knew Kim Jong-il and his loyalists were working on some heavy-duty, top-secret shit, but this really takes the biscuit. Hell yeah I’m concerned.

“I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.“

I knew it, I told you Mum, it is stupidity, not merely a case of brilliant subterfuge.

Education

“Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?“

Wanna know why that question are rarely asked?

Families

One day back in February I remember feeling down, deflated even. I’d spent most of the afternoon on the couch, eating cheese and onion crisps off my girlfriend’s back, pondering life, food, family. What really troubled me that day — I can only just talk about it now — was that no-one had ever seriously addressed the issue of where wings take dream. I mean, never really gotten down to the basics. Well….all that was about to change!

“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.“

Of course! It all made sense now. You saved me that day George, you got my life back on track and gave it purpose. And as if to drive your words home you reminded me of the following:

“I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.“

A problem I’d been tackling only minutes earlier. A problem that you helped me put in perspective. I problem, that eventually, you helped me overcome and for that, I’ll always be truly thankful.

The End of an Era

From a satirical perspective, will there ever be another political figure so qualified to provide the public with so many genuine moments of ‘what the fuck‘? I doubt it.

It would remiss of me not to leave the parting words to the man himself and bury the hatchet so to speak.

“I think we agree, the past is over“.

Another job from down under, where satisfaction is guaranteed, is Condom Tester for Durex. No, really! Okay, so the pay is pretty crappy but the perks, oh the perks. Actually there are no perks. You get $60 worth of free condoms for which you have to “provide honest feedback“. Next!

Careercast drop their oar in the water and attempt to churn up a list of the 200 best jobs but damn me if they haven’t gone and placed accountant in the top 10. I’m not saying being an accountant necessarily sucks but I bet if you confidentially surveyed a bunch of them, accountant wouldn’t slot into their top 10. They’d rather be ski instructors or shark testers. I mean let’s face it, I bet there ain’t too many accountants waking up this morning shivering with anticipation about the upcoming bank reconciliation they’ve got to have finished by COB.

In fact, lets take a little closer look at the criteria CareerCast have used in ranking their top 200. I’m of the opinion that their list is a little flawed. Here it is, you decide: stress, work environment, physical demands, income and outlook. Damn me if they haven’t left out the most important criterion of all, enjoyment. Surely enjoyment could slide in there ahead of physical demands? Gotta get into shape, gotta feel the burn, got a balance sheet to prepare!

So back to our friends at the BBC. They’ve obviously snuck enjoyment into their criteria list. Although using CareerCast’s criteria, the Hamilton Island gig would still rank fairly close to the top – up there with software engineer and actuary.

If you’ve got the dinero why not visit Private Islands Online, make your purchase and collect your own mail. I could help?

I’d love to hear your opinion on the perfect job – accountants welcome.

So it’s that time of year again – the end of it.

My body’s in decline as we inch toward the shank of the party season and the rejuvenation that January promises. Just one more day, just one more day. This December has been particularly taxing. After spending last December in the sunny clime of an Australian summer, I’m back in Europe, and the cold, dark top of it to boot.

The shortest day of the year (December 21st-ish) in Helsinki has just passed – a day when the sun poked it’s head up at about 10.30, lazily arced across the horizon for a few hours and disappeared sometime just before 3. It’s playing havoc with my sleep patterns. Some nights I’m still racking up eleven hours. I’m yet to determine whether it’s a good or bad thing. I’m just praying that come June, there’s not some sort of weird calender-based compensation which sees me having to get by on 3 hours a night!

So on a personal note 2008 was a bit of a hoot – it started off with a mad, visa-renewing dash with Heidi to China, Hong Kong and Macau and ended with a freighter trip from Australia to Italy (past our friendly machine-gun totting, tanker stealing, Somalian friends in the Gulf of Aden – I slept pretty well in the Red Sea after that little episode, just let me tell ya) and an overland jaunt via Eastern Europe to Finland. All good fun, though I think on the travel side things have got to slow down a touch in ’09. Just like Roger Murtaugh in Lethal Weapon, I’m getting too old for this shit.

So, 2009 huh. We should be brimming with optimism right? I was optimistic this time last year and now look what’s happened! World markets in free-fall, big business bailouts (I’m crap at business too, where’s my billions?), violence on the streets of Lhasa, Mumbai in flames, cyclones in Burma and earthquakes in Sichuan. As I type, Gaza is being bombed back to the Stone Age and over in Iraq, the war that ended back in ’03 mysteriously rolls on.

But there’s been some positives – our man Obama heading for the big house (yes he can), that li’l prick Johny Howard finally ousted from power down under (ok, technically that was December 2006 but for the sake of flow) and small indications that, following some minor hiccups, David and Victoria Beckham have finally settled into the LA lifestyle. You little ripper!

So on to 2009. Well for starters, it’s going to be shorter than 2008 by a whole second – a leap-second – but that’s about as far as I’m willing to take it on the prophecy front. As for brash predictions on a world scale, I’m steering well clear. Based on years past, I got no idea. But it can’t be a step backwards from ’08, can it? I’ll start with a touch of optimism again and we can take it from there.

Whatever happens, I wish you all a happy new year for 2009 and hope you’ll drop by from time to time, sign up to my feed, leave a comment or 2 and help me get this Astray Buffet thing off the ground.

Remember, party hard but respect the fish!

Cartwright P. Moocjheenie